“Energy Vampires” - How to Spot and Unfriend

Posted by Amy Lucas on April 18, 2016

6 Comments

True to my Aries nature, I am loyal to a fault. I’m not the easiest person to make friends with, but once you’ve got the stamp of approval, you’ve got a friend for life…or so it used to go. As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that, just like some relationships, some friendships weren’t meant to go the distance. Letting go of a friendship, especially one that’s been cultivated through years of shared secrets, giggles, and tears, is harder than losing a lover in many ways. But the truth is, sometimes we outgrow our besties, and it’s better to “unfriend” someone, than stick around in an unhealthy friendship that isn’t serving either of you. So, let’s explore the most mature and responsible way to release a negative friendship, but first, let’s determine what constitutes termination.

BFF? When to Let a Friend Go

Friends are there to care when times get rough. If a friend is going through a hard time and is veering on the negative side, that doesn’t mean you shut the door on the friendship. People are allowed to have their negative moments when circumstances in their life seem bleak, and a true friend is there to shine a light in the distance…to pull them through the other side. But, not without setting boundaries. It’s important to

• not be sucked into a friend’s drama.
• To have an energetic barrier in place that protects you from other people’s energy drains.
• To have a limit on the time you give that friend, and to ultimately take care of yourself first.

If you give more to a friend in need then you are capable of, then the friendship only ends in resentment. And you will be in large part to blame.

How to Spot an Energy Vampire

A true negative friendship, on the other hand, is one being lead by an energy vampire. PsychCentral.com defines energy vampires as:

…emotionally immature individuals who have the sense that the whole world revolves around them. They are almost incapable of seeing things from another person’s perspective. They often lack empathy. They believe that they must take everything they can get from others and that giving anything will deprive them of essential resources. It’s as if the whole world exists just to serve them and you are the latest object upon which they have set their sights for exploitation. PsychCentral

If you find yourself in the grips of one of these charismatic, but energy-sucking people, then “unfriending” is a necessary choice. If your friend is emotionally abusive or manipulative or overly critical (and not in a constructive way), then it may also be time to let that friendship go. And, of course, if your friend crosses lines, such as gossiping about you to others or competing with you in an aggressive way, then you might also want to consider cutting ties. Stand up for yourself. There are terrific women and men out there who are perfectly capable of nurturing healthy, sustainable, cooperative, supportive friendships. You shouldn’t put up with anything less. You’re a Glad Lash gal, after all!

How to Unfriend with Integrity

I have a confession: I have been unfriended…on social media every day, but also in real life, a few times. And it is devastating. Because each time I never knew why. My dear friends never let me know they were unfriending me, and never told me whyeeeeee! So after months of calls/emails/texts not being returned, I’d walk through the history of our friendship and try to determine my missteps, but I’ll never know if the reasons I came up with are the reasons for their decision. And this is a disservice to both of us. Because how can I improve myself, own my mistakes, apologize…if I’m not given the opportunity to do so? If I’ve hurt you, at least give me the chance to say I’m sorry. Your friend deserves that much, even the energy vampires…even if they never say “sorry” they deserve the chance to be able to…and you deserve to hear it.

Rule #1

Let your friend know, via email or phone call or in person, that it’s best if you part ways and give her or him the honest reasons why. Be clear and to the point. You don’t want to engage this person in a long round of back-and-forth defensive emails that never end. You’ve made your decision, so state it clearly and send them on their way with love. If they attempt to engage you with a response, stay firm and clear and non-defensive. If they keep reaching out after you’ve stated your position, then remove yourself from the conversation. You’ve spoken your peace, and you can exit the “drama” with your dignity intact.

Rule #2

Before you “unfriend,” give them the chance to change. Your friend may be driving you bonkers and totally not know it. Have a heart-to-heart and see if you two can compromise before parting ways completely. Perhaps you just need to take a little break?

How to Unfriend in the Virtual World

If you’ve ever gone through a breakup on Facebook, you know it’s pretty public and pretty awful. Everyone sees when your status changes back to single, you’re still friends with your ex until one of you takes the plunge and unfriends the other…it’s just messy and awful and embarrassing, even though everyone’s been there and no one is really judging you. But…their eyes are on you, and that’s something to keep in mind when you’re “unfriending” a friend as well. Research on social media has shown that the most common reasons people “unfriend” are:

1. frequent trivial posts
2. alienating posts about politics or religion
3. sexist or racist posts
4. boring posts about everyday life, like what they had for breakfast.

Stop. It. But, research has also shown that people’s reactions to getting “unfriended” on social media are really gut wrenching. Some people take it personally, and feel as though it might be due to something they did in real life. So, if there’s a reason beyond not appreciating their posts on your newsfeed, then I suggest being frank and upfront with them before you click. And if you don’t like their posts and that’s it, well, then hide their posts. Facebook makes it easy. Of course, you have the right to unfriend anyone you please, but just keep in mind, there is an actual human being on the other end of the interweb, and they have blood, and guts, and tears that need tending to. But so do you…so choose your friends wisely my dears, online and off.